as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
