Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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