Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
