You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
time to smoke my breakfast
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
