In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
