So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
ok first of all what the fuck
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
