Just fell off a train. Bad.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize