Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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