the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
