Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
