but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
