Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
that's an acceptable place to lick
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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