Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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