You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
