They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
