Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
