Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
