highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
