Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
