Jerry, you need to find god
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
