I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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