Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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