There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
