wakey wakey hands off snakey
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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