thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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