My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
