meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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