Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
