I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
