even my farts smell like vagina
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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