Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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