I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
