If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
