watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
