I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize