where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
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