you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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