I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize