Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
