the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
