I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
