i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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