Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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