I accidentally burped into my bong.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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