My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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