I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
