I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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