Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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