I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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