i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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