happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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