Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Come share oat with me in your robe
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
