i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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