What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
