Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
