??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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