I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
