hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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