Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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