can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
