Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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