I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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