Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
