I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize