She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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